Worst week ever.

Last week, my doctor changed my meds and for the past week, my life has been a living hell. Going off of colonipin and on to xanax controlled release sent me back to the world of constant panic and fear. After a trip to the ER on Monday, they switched me back to colonipin. I was expecting to feel better by today but it seems as though nothing good is happening. The second I wake up, panic sets in and doesn't stop even after taking regular xanax and colonipin. I'm terrified for no reason and that scares the hell out of me. I've missed a week of work because I can't even get out of bed. I've lost 7 lbs in 5 days because I can't eat. I can only sleep when I take something. I'm constantly praying for this pain to go away. I know that I have to be patient but I need to live my life. There's only so much QVC and HSN I can take before I go completely crazy. I'm starting law school in three weeks and just changed all of my classes to online because I'm afraid of having a panic attack the day I start classes. I'm already nervous about orientation 8/13. It's sad, but I think what I'm looking forward to the most is getting good health insurance 8/1. I'm also moving into my own place at the end of July which is causing a bit of anxiety but it's close to my parents' (and Elwood) so that makes me feel a lot better. Plus, it's only a block away from my therapist so that gives me extra peace of mind.

So that's my giant run-on-paragraph update. I'm going to try to get out and go to the grocery store. Wish me luck!

My poor neglected blog!

So I've neglected my teeney weenie corner of the interwebs for far too long. I'm going to try to post more since it's pretty therapeutic.

Here's a little slice of what went on these past two months:
12 law school rejections, a week or two of depression, another "runaway job offer" situation, acceptance to DU's masters in legal administration program, signing a lease and FINALLY moving, planning my sister's wedding, and starting Pure Barre classes.

My anxiety has still been a nuisance but I'm handling it. I can't help but wonder, though, if my anxiety hasn't been a huge issue because I haven't been challenged. I'll definitely be put to the test in the next month or so but the way I'm feeling right now, I say BRING THAT SHIT ON!

And this is how I never want to feel again:

From Post Secret:

This is how I feel today:

Second - no, third - thoughts

Sooooooo I'm still second-guessing this job thing. And I keep thinking about what my therapist said about the only way to get over my fear is to face it head on. Here's a short email I drafted to the HR director. I'm still debating as to whether or not I'll send it because I know that once I do, I'll have to follow though or this bridge will permanently be burned. Any and all feedback (positive, negative, tough love) is welcome!
Love Love!
Melissa

"Krista,
Would it be possible to discuss part-time temporary work arrangement with Factory? I understand this is a lot to ask but I would still like to work for Factory while fulfilling my obligation to my family's business over the next month."

Did I make a terrible mistake?

So about an hour ago, I started second guessing my decision to turn down this job. I started writing an email to the HR director saying something along the lines of "I apologize for initially turning down the position [...] Would you consider hiring me on a part-time, temporary basis?"

But now just the thought of having a real job again brings anxiety. I'm so sick of thinking about this, talking about this, and living like this. I know that with time, I'll get better and when I'm better, I'll be able to get a good job. I just feel like a job offer with this company will never happen again. I desperately want to work for this company and I hope they know that and I hope that everything will fall into place when I'm ready to move forward.

Now that I'm just babbling, I think it's time to get some sleep. Last night was rough and today wasn't too easy either. So, I'm going to go to bed and be thankful that tomorrow is a new day. The ugliness of this past week has been washed away by the storm and hopefully flowers will start to bloom.

The third time was definitely not the charm

This morning, I had an emergency session with my therapist before my meeting with the HR director of the new company. After a horrible evening -- But wonderful advice from my mom and friend, I wasn't in the mood to share more feelings. I was mentally drained and exhausted. Xanax makes me groggy and lethargic the next day and I took quite a bit yesterday.

Anyhoo, I made it to therapy and had a good session. I had moments of feeling like I could make the one minute drive to go sign the paperwork at the new job then moments of paralyzing fear. It was agonizing, but I decided to go with my gut and call the HR director when I left therapy to tell her that I would like to wait for a full-time position. I also told her that I had a lot of accounting work to finish at my aunt and uncle's business so the timing wasn't quite right. While I still feel like I burned a bridge with them (which kills me), I feel like I kept the door open -- If only just a crack.

As things typically go with me, I'm having second thoughts. I'm considering sending the HR director an email telling her I re-thought things over and would like to give it a try -- Maybe part-time. And since the position is temporary, it isn't such a huge commitment. But I know that once I do that, there's REALLY no turning back. My mom has even offered to drive me there (and be super late to work) which I think is the sweetest thing.

Before I send out any more emails, I'm going to eat something and sleep. My icky cold took my appetite away for a few days and now I'm ready to eat and take a nap. I'm going to write the email and save it as a draft. Until then, I need to do a lot of soul searching, eating, and sleeping.

Until next time,
PG

Rock bottom.

Right now, as I type, I have hit rock bottom. My fears, doubts, and anxiety have pushed me into a well with steep, slippery walls and I feel like there's no way I can climb out. I've cried so much my eyes hurt. I'm starving but I can't stomach the thought of eating. This job offer came at the best time -- On paper. I've been rejected by seven law schools so far and I'll have been unemployed for a year this June. I needed this job. But mentally, I feel so far from ready. To most people, it's just a job. You show up, do your work, get a paycheck, and go home. For me, it's become this daunting place full of the unknown. I don't want to burn this bridge with this company but at the same time, I don't want to lose everything over it either. I just pray to God I get better and there's a job waiting for me when I do. I know it's a lot to ask but right now, it's all I've got.

Panic attack

As I type, I am in the middle of a panic attack. The Xanax is doing all it can but I still can't stop the panic. I'm over thinking everything and can't stop my mind and heart from racing.

The trigger? The job offer. To start Monday. As in 4 days from now. It's starting as a temporary position until they get client approval but this still doesn't help my mental state. I have to go in tomorrow morning to fill out paperwork and this is leaving me light-headed with panic. Twice I have gotten this far and twice I have let the fear take over. My spiritual healer is doing long-distance healing until I get in to see her on Sunday. I also have a call in to my regular therapist to try to get in to see her. I know that I need to break this pattern but I feel totally helpless, scared, and overwhelmed. I love my support system but I feel like no one fully understands.

Getting back into the working world

Two years ago, I met with the HR director of a local ad agency. I immediately fell in love with the offices, the people, the clients, and the dogs wandering around the offices. At the time, they didn't have any positions that fit my entry level (non) expertise.

Now that two years have passed, they have tentatively offered me a position pending client approval. I am ecstatic, elated, relieved, and, at the same time, terrified. Since August of last year, I bailed on two different jobs the day I was supposed to start. Fear paralyzed me. I couldn't even make it out of bed let alone into my car to the office. Granted, those two jobs weren't as ideal and as enticing as this one, but that fear is still there and is very real.

I'm trying my best to use self-talk, meditation, breathing exercises, and Xanax but I think I'll need more than that. If everything gets approved by the client, I plan on seeing my spiritual healer and acupuncturist the day or two before for some last minute "miracle work." It also helps me to know that my therapist is within walking distance and one of my closest friends has a store just a few blocks away.

I guess when all is said and done, I don't want to disappoint anyone. I know that my friends and family will love me no matter what I decide, but I can't help but feel like a failure every time I let the anxiety and its evil butterflies win.

That's all for now. Send positive thoughts my way!
Love Love!
Panic Girl

let go.

So it's been a while since I last posted. Too much to type about now so I'll just share my late night wall art:

Friends come in all shapes, sizes, and species!

Sometimes, when my depression gets really bad, I forget about the depth and variety in my "friend family." These past few weeks, I haven't had much interaction with people outside of my family so dinner with my friend and her family tonight were just what the doctor ordered. Dinner tonight helped me realize that my friends aren't just twentysomethings from college. They're my pets, my sisters, and even my friend's parents. They've been there for me after layoffs, losses, and countless silly, happy times. They understand my "craziness" mostly because they've raised three kids. In the past three years, they've become second parents to me. Don't get me wrong -- I adore my parents and can't go more than two hours without speaking to one or both of them. But for some reason, it's been really great having another family to hang out with. Maybe because it makes me feel normal -- Like no family has it all and that no one ever has it all together. Or maybe it's because they're the exact opposite of my family. Either way, I love that I have friends that I consider family and family that I consider friends.

Oh, Therapy!

I've been going to the same wonderful therapist for over three years now and Wednesday was the first day she actually told me that I looked and seemed depressed. And honestly, I felt it. It was one of those days where I couldn't wake up and couldn't shake the funk I was in. A lot of it has to do with not liking my part-time job. It gives me no motivation to get to bed at a reasonable hour and out of bed before 9am. On top of that, I've had no appetite because of the depression.

I had a three-day weekend that started out terribly, too. I got my first law school rejection. It was from a school in Northern California that shall remain nameless. I was upset at first because it was a bit of a safety school. I didn't realize until later that it was in the top 40 and they may not have gotten my latest (and not so great but better!) LSAT score. Who knows! I slept in till almost 12:30 Saturday mostly because I didn't want to face the day. When I finally did, I went to the mall solo to get something sparkly to cheer myself up. Being unemployed sucks but when you're a bargain shopper like me, I make it work!

I did have a good weekend, though. Lots of sleeping, eating on Sunday (finally!), shopping Saturday (oops), and getting some creative juices flowing with crafts. Hopefully this week will bring better things (and big envelopes!).

Sweetest of dreams,
Melissa

Blah.

So I didn't get the job which leaves me second-guessing everything from my outfit choices to my writing samples. I did ask them to consider me for another open position but still no word.

Not getting the job sent me into a pretty major depression that lasted Thursday night through Saturday. I actually slept till 1pm Saturday. While I'm a self proclaimed "sleep monster," 1pm is WAY late for me. I felt like I had made so many preparations just in case I got the job -- The spiritual healer, acupuncture, etc. that I was finally ready to work again. But secretly, I think I was happy that I didn't get the job so I wouldn't have to put myself and others through another manic "I can't take this job" episode. And, oddly enough, that made me secretly happy. That makes very little sense, I know, but just pretend like you understand.

So that leaves me here. My new unemployment package kicks in next week (I hope) and I'm still waiting for law schools to let me know if I got in. These next few weeks will just involve a lot of sitting and waiting. Oh, and checking the mail box. I'm pretty sure they still send out big and little envelopes like they did back in '01-'02 for undergrad decisions.

Oh, and my friend and I decided to become responsible adults starting tomorrow. That pretty much only involves us getting out of bed by 8am but it's a step! And we're on a mission to only spend money necessary items -- Even if that means saying "no" to cute shoes in order to afford new bath towels. Being an adult sucks sometimes.

Over and out!
Panic Girl

The Rum Diary

Still no word on the job -- Which makes me nervous because they said they needed someone to start ASAP. I even added the company's phone number to my contacts and gave it its own ringtone so I would know when they were calling. I know it takes a while to call references, interview all candidates, and discuss with the team who would be the best choice, but I can't help but think that they offered someone the job and are just too busy to send me a "We're sorry, but..." email.

Part of me can't wait to start working in a real office again -- Cute outfits, shoes, new work friends, a set schedule. But another part of me is terrified. What if I decide the morning of my first day that I can't do it? What if I get sick in the bathroom before I even sit down with HR (again)?

Wow. Subconsciously, I just started my "what if"/catastrophic thinking again. This is what I promised myself I would say each time I let the "what ifs" take over: "What if I could make no mistakes? What if everything turns out ok?" I just had an epiphany of sorts while blogging. A definite first for me.

Back to the matter at hand -- Basically, I can't decide if I really want the job. I know that I need it -- Especially with my despicable LSAT score and no other ad agencies in the metro area are hiring. But having said that, I guess I'm afraid of failure, another layoff, and another unemployment filing.

This all leads me to my favorite quote. If it weren't so long and I weren't so terrified of commitment, I would tattoo it somewhere:

Like most of the others I was a seeker, a mover, a malcontent, and at times a stupid hell-raiser. I was never idle long enough to do much thinking, but I felt somehow that my instincts were right. I shared a vagrant optimism that some of us were making real progress, that we had taken an honest road, and that the best of us would inevitably make it over the top.

At the same time, I shared a dark suspicion that the life we were leading was a lost cause, that we were all actors, kidding ourselves along on a senseless odyssey. It was the tension between these two poles- a restless idealism on one hand and a sense of impending doom on the other- that kept me going.

-Hunter S. Thompson

Reiki and Jin Shin Jytsu

On Saturday, I visited my friend's neighbor, a specialist in what can best be described as the healing arts. When I started this mission to defeat my anxiety and panic disorder, I vowed to try anything and everything so I figured a little spiritual healing couldn't hurt.

I arrived at 11am Saturday morning not sure what to expect. She introduced me to her dogs and had me lay down on a massage table. She turned on some new age "breeze and birds chirping" music and checked my pulses. My body was asking for jin shin jytsu, a form of acupressure, so she went to work. For about an hour and a half, she worked on two pressure points at a time. I became increasingly relaxed and the butterflies in my stomach finally settled after about 15 minutes.

When I was done, I felt relaxed but I think that may have just been a placebo effect. I didn't feel as invigorated as I did with acupuncture but I was definitely more relaxed. Overall, I'm not sure I want to go back -- My feet told her I should go back to her five times. At $60 per session, I'm not sure I can swing it financially. Plus, I'm not sure if I really believe in it. She's an incredibly nice person and she really needs the money, but I would much rather have a massage or more acupuncture.

Overall, my weekend of Eastern medicine was pretty cool. I'll see where the week takes me anxiety-wise and maybe I'll send the spiritual healer an email to book another session.

Such a boring post! Night!
Panic Girl

Acupuncture - My saving grace?

Today I had my first acupuncture treatment. I have been talking about getting it for years (starting with migraines, now for anxiety). I was late because the office was about 45 minutes south of where I live. I, of course, gave myself 30 to get there. I hate being late but lately I can't seem to get out of bed without hitting the snooze for an hour and a half -- no joke.

When I got there, I had to spill my guts to another stranger -- But a stranger I knew I could trust. I gave her the basics: What my anxiety feels like, what triggers it, what I've done to combat it, etc. Then she went to work with the teeny needles. I was already feeling nervous about the potential job offer so being left in a room face down for an hour alone wasn't sitting well with me. Surprisingly, the needles didn't bother me in the slightest.

Towards the end of the treatment, I was actually listening to the subtle nuances in the new-age music and drifting off into a daze. When the acupuncturist came in to remove my needles, I felt refreshed but still hesitant. I knew I shouldn't expect all of my problems to be taken away by two dozen needles. By the time I got to my car, I felt like I was floating. It may have just been the hour of relaxation but I actually felt calm. By the time I got to my "office," I reflected on what I felt like. I felt as though I was buzzing. Like I had this subtle energy running through my body. It may have all been a placebo effect but I felt wonderful regardless.

As for the job, no news yet. Which may be bad news. They're looking to hire ASAP. But who knows with this economy (btw -- I think the phrase "THIS ECONOMY" should be banned. So from here on out, no more "THIS ECONOMY.")

And I'm trying spiritual healing tomorrow. It's with my friend's neighbor. Raised Catholic, my parents were wary when I first told them. But when I assured them this isn't religious, it's not a cult, and no one will own my soul, they warmed up to the idea.

Time for bed! Still sleepy from all the extra Xanax this week. Ompf.
xoxo,
Panic Girl

Blogging Day 2

I had a second interview today with an amazing AMAZING local ad agency. It's the kind of agency I would die to work for but just the thought of them calling me to make me an offer is giving me horrible anxiety. I mean, I don't even know if they want to hire me and I'm freaking out. How insane is that?!?! My therapist put it best when she told me that I think catastrophically. I'm "what if-ing" myself to death.

On top of the job hunt (which wasn't/isn't much of a hunt because of the anxiety), I just applied to 12 (yes, 12) law schools. Only two of which I would consider attending because of the proximity to my comfort zone. I have a feeling that I'll get this job then be forced to choose between law school and the job. This makes me more anxious but I know in my heart that going back to school would be far more beneficial. My student loans would go into deferment and I would be able to land a higher paying job after graduation -- Plus the economy would (hopefully) improved by then.

Overall, I guess I'm scared of the unknown. I'm scared of starting a new job (something that NEVER bothered me in the slightest) and I'm scared to get my acceptance/rejection letters from law schools. But what scares me the most is that I'll never get my anxiety issued behind me. It's a chemical imbalance that can temporarily be fixed with medication but most likely, I'm stuck with it for life. I know that it could always be worse but for me, this is hell. I am in my own mental hell.

However, in my efforts to throw everything against the wall and hope that something sticks, I'm starting acupuncture tomorrow. I'm so beyond excited to try it. After that, I hope to start some spiritual healing but I need to research some people first. I refuse to give up on this! I applied to schools in Southern California and New York and hopefully some day soon, I can say that I'm a student living in Manhattan/San Diego/Los Angeles!

Sweet Xanax dreams,
Panic Girl

My selfish little piece of the Internet

I'm writing this tonight riddled with anxiety. I don't know where to start, so I'm just going to spill it all until the Xanax makes me fall asleep:

Long story short, I get panic attacks. I get panic attacks worrying that I'll have a panic attack. I've lost friends and jobs and now I fear that I'm losing my mind. My anxiety makes me physically ill. I can't control it.

Most days I feel like I'm medicated within an inch of my life. I want to stop taking the Paxil, Colonopin, and Xanax but I'm terrified of the consequences. I want to live my life again. I want to travel. I want to go to Europe and Asia like I did less than ten years ago. I can't even think about going to a friend's wedding less than a two hour drive away without evil bats swarming my stomach.

I was OK in college but a terrible breakup left me in the gutter emotionally and I haven't been able to get out since. I've been laid off from two jobs (one I loved the other I could have done without). Both lay offs left me with this intense fear of starting any job. Twice I've committed to jobs only to fake an illness at the last minute. Then I have to make the embarrassing phone call to the HR director saying that I can't take the job. I'm terrified that this is all a viscous cycle that will end with me living in my parents' basement forever.

I have dreams of grandeur but I'm terrified that those dreams will never be lived out. Law school, traveling, dating a handsome man, marrying and having kids, having the career of my dreams -- sports agent. I don't want to wake up one day and realize that I'm 50 and never did a single thing because of this anxiety. I've heard all of the cliches about life, love, etc. In fact, I've heard them so often, I resent them.

So there. That is my first virtual diary entry. It may not be coherent but I don't know if anyone will even read it. But if you are out there, comment. Let me know you've been where I've been.