The Rum Diary

Still no word on the job -- Which makes me nervous because they said they needed someone to start ASAP. I even added the company's phone number to my contacts and gave it its own ringtone so I would know when they were calling. I know it takes a while to call references, interview all candidates, and discuss with the team who would be the best choice, but I can't help but think that they offered someone the job and are just too busy to send me a "We're sorry, but..." email.

Part of me can't wait to start working in a real office again -- Cute outfits, shoes, new work friends, a set schedule. But another part of me is terrified. What if I decide the morning of my first day that I can't do it? What if I get sick in the bathroom before I even sit down with HR (again)?

Wow. Subconsciously, I just started my "what if"/catastrophic thinking again. This is what I promised myself I would say each time I let the "what ifs" take over: "What if I could make no mistakes? What if everything turns out ok?" I just had an epiphany of sorts while blogging. A definite first for me.

Back to the matter at hand -- Basically, I can't decide if I really want the job. I know that I need it -- Especially with my despicable LSAT score and no other ad agencies in the metro area are hiring. But having said that, I guess I'm afraid of failure, another layoff, and another unemployment filing.

This all leads me to my favorite quote. If it weren't so long and I weren't so terrified of commitment, I would tattoo it somewhere:

Like most of the others I was a seeker, a mover, a malcontent, and at times a stupid hell-raiser. I was never idle long enough to do much thinking, but I felt somehow that my instincts were right. I shared a vagrant optimism that some of us were making real progress, that we had taken an honest road, and that the best of us would inevitably make it over the top.

At the same time, I shared a dark suspicion that the life we were leading was a lost cause, that we were all actors, kidding ourselves along on a senseless odyssey. It was the tension between these two poles- a restless idealism on one hand and a sense of impending doom on the other- that kept me going.

-Hunter S. Thompson