Saturday, April 24, 2010

Second - no, third - thoughts

Sooooooo I'm still second-guessing this job thing. And I keep thinking about what my therapist said about the only way to get over my fear is to face it head on. Here's a short email I drafted to the HR director. I'm still debating as to whether or not I'll send it because I know that once I do, I'll have to follow though or this bridge will permanently be burned. Any and all feedback (positive, negative, tough love) is welcome!
Love Love!

Would it be possible to discuss part-time temporary work arrangement with Factory? I understand this is a lot to ask but I would still like to work for Factory while fulfilling my obligation to my family's business over the next month."

Friday, April 23, 2010

Did I make a terrible mistake?

So about an hour ago, I started second guessing my decision to turn down this job. I started writing an email to the HR director saying something along the lines of "I apologize for initially turning down the position [...] Would you consider hiring me on a part-time, temporary basis?"

But now just the thought of having a real job again brings anxiety. I'm so sick of thinking about this, talking about this, and living like this. I know that with time, I'll get better and when I'm better, I'll be able to get a good job. I just feel like a job offer with this company will never happen again. I desperately want to work for this company and I hope they know that and I hope that everything will fall into place when I'm ready to move forward.

Now that I'm just babbling, I think it's time to get some sleep. Last night was rough and today wasn't too easy either. So, I'm going to go to bed and be thankful that tomorrow is a new day. The ugliness of this past week has been washed away by the storm and hopefully flowers will start to bloom.

The third time was definitely not the charm

This morning, I had an emergency session with my therapist before my meeting with the HR director of the new company. After a horrible evening -- But wonderful advice from my mom and friend, I wasn't in the mood to share more feelings. I was mentally drained and exhausted. Xanax makes me groggy and lethargic the next day and I took quite a bit yesterday.

Anyhoo, I made it to therapy and had a good session. I had moments of feeling like I could make the one minute drive to go sign the paperwork at the new job then moments of paralyzing fear. It was agonizing, but I decided to go with my gut and call the HR director when I left therapy to tell her that I would like to wait for a full-time position. I also told her that I had a lot of accounting work to finish at my aunt and uncle's business so the timing wasn't quite right. While I still feel like I burned a bridge with them (which kills me), I feel like I kept the door open -- If only just a crack.

As things typically go with me, I'm having second thoughts. I'm considering sending the HR director an email telling her I re-thought things over and would like to give it a try -- Maybe part-time. And since the position is temporary, it isn't such a huge commitment. But I know that once I do that, there's REALLY no turning back. My mom has even offered to drive me there (and be super late to work) which I think is the sweetest thing.

Before I send out any more emails, I'm going to eat something and sleep. My icky cold took my appetite away for a few days and now I'm ready to eat and take a nap. I'm going to write the email and save it as a draft. Until then, I need to do a lot of soul searching, eating, and sleeping.

Until next time,

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Rock bottom.

Right now, as I type, I have hit rock bottom. My fears, doubts, and anxiety have pushed me into a well with steep, slippery walls and I feel like there's no way I can climb out. I've cried so much my eyes hurt. I'm starving but I can't stomach the thought of eating. This job offer came at the best time -- On paper. I've been rejected by seven law schools so far and I'll have been unemployed for a year this June. I needed this job. But mentally, I feel so far from ready. To most people, it's just a job. You show up, do your work, get a paycheck, and go home. For me, it's become this daunting place full of the unknown. I don't want to burn this bridge with this company but at the same time, I don't want to lose everything over it either. I just pray to God I get better and there's a job waiting for me when I do. I know it's a lot to ask but right now, it's all I've got.

Panic attack

As I type, I am in the middle of a panic attack. The Xanax is doing all it can but I still can't stop the panic. I'm over thinking everything and can't stop my mind and heart from racing.

The trigger? The job offer. To start Monday. As in 4 days from now. It's starting as a temporary position until they get client approval but this still doesn't help my mental state. I have to go in tomorrow morning to fill out paperwork and this is leaving me light-headed with panic. Twice I have gotten this far and twice I have let the fear take over. My spiritual healer is doing long-distance healing until I get in to see her on Sunday. I also have a call in to my regular therapist to try to get in to see her. I know that I need to break this pattern but I feel totally helpless, scared, and overwhelmed. I love my support system but I feel like no one fully understands.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Getting back into the working world

Two years ago, I met with the HR director of a local ad agency. I immediately fell in love with the offices, the people, the clients, and the dogs wandering around the offices. At the time, they didn't have any positions that fit my entry level (non) expertise.

Now that two years have passed, they have tentatively offered me a position pending client approval. I am ecstatic, elated, relieved, and, at the same time, terrified. Since August of last year, I bailed on two different jobs the day I was supposed to start. Fear paralyzed me. I couldn't even make it out of bed let alone into my car to the office. Granted, those two jobs weren't as ideal and as enticing as this one, but that fear is still there and is very real.

I'm trying my best to use self-talk, meditation, breathing exercises, and Xanax but I think I'll need more than that. If everything gets approved by the client, I plan on seeing my spiritual healer and acupuncturist the day or two before for some last minute "miracle work." It also helps me to know that my therapist is within walking distance and one of my closest friends has a store just a few blocks away.

I guess when all is said and done, I don't want to disappoint anyone. I know that my friends and family will love me no matter what I decide, but I can't help but feel like a failure every time I let the anxiety and its evil butterflies win.

That's all for now. Send positive thoughts my way!
Love Love!
Panic Girl

Thursday, April 8, 2010

let go.

So it's been a while since I last posted. Too much to type about now so I'll just share my late night wall art: