I'm back!

Ok so at the suggestion of (new) Therapist #2 (Therapist #1 is still in the picture, but only once a month), I am back to the bloggosphere! In the past year, I feel like me entire life has changed, but there are so many things that remain the same. Heres a breakdown of the past year:

- Moved into a new apartment
- Started and finished grad school (top of the class. W00t!)
- Saw a psychologist a few times to work on my anxiety (I learned some new ways to "trick" my anxiety, but that was about it)
- Took the LSATs for a third time (Totally bombed them but with my issues, I feel like making it to the exam was half of the battle so it was a learning experience I guess)
- (Partially) expected rejection from every law school I applied to again
- My dad and sister moved out of state
- And the most significant event -- Losing my Granny.

My grandma dying was rather sudden. She was in pain and couldn't eat so after a week in the hospital, then hospice, she died. Although she was 89, she had only had one significant health issue her entire life. Everyone expected her to outlive everyone. Seeing her health decline over the past year was difficult, but I tried to deny it. Saying goodbye to her in the hospice center was the hardest thing I've ever done. All of this happened in April but I still can't really wrap my head around her not being here anymore.

On top of that, my anxiety has remained the same in most aspects. In other aspects, it seems to have escalated. Social situations, working, and appointments are some of my major triggers. I'm seeing Therapist #2 weekly and so far, I've had a lot of "AH-HA!" moments. I'm optimistic that I'll tackle the beast called anxiety VERY soon with the help of my incredible support staff.

Ok, that's all for now. Time to get on a regular sleep schedule!

Panic attack

As I type, I am in the middle of a panic attack. The Xanax is doing all it can but I still can't stop the panic. I'm over thinking everything and can't stop my mind and heart from racing.

The trigger? The job offer. To start Monday. As in 4 days from now. It's starting as a temporary position until they get client approval but this still doesn't help my mental state. I have to go in tomorrow morning to fill out paperwork and this is leaving me light-headed with panic. Twice I have gotten this far and twice I have let the fear take over. My spiritual healer is doing long-distance healing until I get in to see her on Sunday. I also have a call in to my regular therapist to try to get in to see her. I know that I need to break this pattern but I feel totally helpless, scared, and overwhelmed. I love my support system but I feel like no one fully understands.