Did I make a terrible mistake?

So about an hour ago, I started second guessing my decision to turn down this job. I started writing an email to the HR director saying something along the lines of "I apologize for initially turning down the position [...] Would you consider hiring me on a part-time, temporary basis?"

But now just the thought of having a real job again brings anxiety. I'm so sick of thinking about this, talking about this, and living like this. I know that with time, I'll get better and when I'm better, I'll be able to get a good job. I just feel like a job offer with this company will never happen again. I desperately want to work for this company and I hope they know that and I hope that everything will fall into place when I'm ready to move forward.

Now that I'm just babbling, I think it's time to get some sleep. Last night was rough and today wasn't too easy either. So, I'm going to go to bed and be thankful that tomorrow is a new day. The ugliness of this past week has been washed away by the storm and hopefully flowers will start to bloom.

Rock bottom.

Right now, as I type, I have hit rock bottom. My fears, doubts, and anxiety have pushed me into a well with steep, slippery walls and I feel like there's no way I can climb out. I've cried so much my eyes hurt. I'm starving but I can't stomach the thought of eating. This job offer came at the best time -- On paper. I've been rejected by seven law schools so far and I'll have been unemployed for a year this June. I needed this job. But mentally, I feel so far from ready. To most people, it's just a job. You show up, do your work, get a paycheck, and go home. For me, it's become this daunting place full of the unknown. I don't want to burn this bridge with this company but at the same time, I don't want to lose everything over it either. I just pray to God I get better and there's a job waiting for me when I do. I know it's a lot to ask but right now, it's all I've got.

Friends come in all shapes, sizes, and species!

Sometimes, when my depression gets really bad, I forget about the depth and variety in my "friend family." These past few weeks, I haven't had much interaction with people outside of my family so dinner with my friend and her family tonight were just what the doctor ordered. Dinner tonight helped me realize that my friends aren't just twentysomethings from college. They're my pets, my sisters, and even my friend's parents. They've been there for me after layoffs, losses, and countless silly, happy times. They understand my "craziness" mostly because they've raised three kids. In the past three years, they've become second parents to me. Don't get me wrong -- I adore my parents and can't go more than two hours without speaking to one or both of them. But for some reason, it's been really great having another family to hang out with. Maybe because it makes me feel normal -- Like no family has it all and that no one ever has it all together. Or maybe it's because they're the exact opposite of my family. Either way, I love that I have friends that I consider family and family that I consider friends.

Oh, Therapy!

I've been going to the same wonderful therapist for over three years now and Wednesday was the first day she actually told me that I looked and seemed depressed. And honestly, I felt it. It was one of those days where I couldn't wake up and couldn't shake the funk I was in. A lot of it has to do with not liking my part-time job. It gives me no motivation to get to bed at a reasonable hour and out of bed before 9am. On top of that, I've had no appetite because of the depression.

I had a three-day weekend that started out terribly, too. I got my first law school rejection. It was from a school in Northern California that shall remain nameless. I was upset at first because it was a bit of a safety school. I didn't realize until later that it was in the top 40 and they may not have gotten my latest (and not so great but better!) LSAT score. Who knows! I slept in till almost 12:30 Saturday mostly because I didn't want to face the day. When I finally did, I went to the mall solo to get something sparkly to cheer myself up. Being unemployed sucks but when you're a bargain shopper like me, I make it work!

I did have a good weekend, though. Lots of sleeping, eating on Sunday (finally!), shopping Saturday (oops), and getting some creative juices flowing with crafts. Hopefully this week will bring better things (and big envelopes!).

Sweetest of dreams,
Melissa

Blah.

So I didn't get the job which leaves me second-guessing everything from my outfit choices to my writing samples. I did ask them to consider me for another open position but still no word.

Not getting the job sent me into a pretty major depression that lasted Thursday night through Saturday. I actually slept till 1pm Saturday. While I'm a self proclaimed "sleep monster," 1pm is WAY late for me. I felt like I had made so many preparations just in case I got the job -- The spiritual healer, acupuncture, etc. that I was finally ready to work again. But secretly, I think I was happy that I didn't get the job so I wouldn't have to put myself and others through another manic "I can't take this job" episode. And, oddly enough, that made me secretly happy. That makes very little sense, I know, but just pretend like you understand.

So that leaves me here. My new unemployment package kicks in next week (I hope) and I'm still waiting for law schools to let me know if I got in. These next few weeks will just involve a lot of sitting and waiting. Oh, and checking the mail box. I'm pretty sure they still send out big and little envelopes like they did back in '01-'02 for undergrad decisions.

Oh, and my friend and I decided to become responsible adults starting tomorrow. That pretty much only involves us getting out of bed by 8am but it's a step! And we're on a mission to only spend money necessary items -- Even if that means saying "no" to cute shoes in order to afford new bath towels. Being an adult sucks sometimes.

Over and out!
Panic Girl

Blogging Day 2

I had a second interview today with an amazing AMAZING local ad agency. It's the kind of agency I would die to work for but just the thought of them calling me to make me an offer is giving me horrible anxiety. I mean, I don't even know if they want to hire me and I'm freaking out. How insane is that?!?! My therapist put it best when she told me that I think catastrophically. I'm "what if-ing" myself to death.

On top of the job hunt (which wasn't/isn't much of a hunt because of the anxiety), I just applied to 12 (yes, 12) law schools. Only two of which I would consider attending because of the proximity to my comfort zone. I have a feeling that I'll get this job then be forced to choose between law school and the job. This makes me more anxious but I know in my heart that going back to school would be far more beneficial. My student loans would go into deferment and I would be able to land a higher paying job after graduation -- Plus the economy would (hopefully) improved by then.

Overall, I guess I'm scared of the unknown. I'm scared of starting a new job (something that NEVER bothered me in the slightest) and I'm scared to get my acceptance/rejection letters from law schools. But what scares me the most is that I'll never get my anxiety issued behind me. It's a chemical imbalance that can temporarily be fixed with medication but most likely, I'm stuck with it for life. I know that it could always be worse but for me, this is hell. I am in my own mental hell.

However, in my efforts to throw everything against the wall and hope that something sticks, I'm starting acupuncture tomorrow. I'm so beyond excited to try it. After that, I hope to start some spiritual healing but I need to research some people first. I refuse to give up on this! I applied to schools in Southern California and New York and hopefully some day soon, I can say that I'm a student living in Manhattan/San Diego/Los Angeles!

Sweet Xanax dreams,
Panic Girl

My selfish little piece of the Internet

I'm writing this tonight riddled with anxiety. I don't know where to start, so I'm just going to spill it all until the Xanax makes me fall asleep:

Long story short, I get panic attacks. I get panic attacks worrying that I'll have a panic attack. I've lost friends and jobs and now I fear that I'm losing my mind. My anxiety makes me physically ill. I can't control it.

Most days I feel like I'm medicated within an inch of my life. I want to stop taking the Paxil, Colonopin, and Xanax but I'm terrified of the consequences. I want to live my life again. I want to travel. I want to go to Europe and Asia like I did less than ten years ago. I can't even think about going to a friend's wedding less than a two hour drive away without evil bats swarming my stomach.

I was OK in college but a terrible breakup left me in the gutter emotionally and I haven't been able to get out since. I've been laid off from two jobs (one I loved the other I could have done without). Both lay offs left me with this intense fear of starting any job. Twice I've committed to jobs only to fake an illness at the last minute. Then I have to make the embarrassing phone call to the HR director saying that I can't take the job. I'm terrified that this is all a viscous cycle that will end with me living in my parents' basement forever.

I have dreams of grandeur but I'm terrified that those dreams will never be lived out. Law school, traveling, dating a handsome man, marrying and having kids, having the career of my dreams -- sports agent. I don't want to wake up one day and realize that I'm 50 and never did a single thing because of this anxiety. I've heard all of the cliches about life, love, etc. In fact, I've heard them so often, I resent them.

So there. That is my first virtual diary entry. It may not be coherent but I don't know if anyone will even read it. But if you are out there, comment. Let me know you've been where I've been.