Last week, my doctor changed my meds and for the past week, my life has been a living hell. Going off of colonipin and on to xanax controlled release sent me back to the world of constant panic and fear. After a trip to the ER on Monday, they switched me back to colonipin. I was expecting to feel better by today but it seems as though nothing good is happening. The second I wake up, panic sets in and doesn't stop even after taking regular xanax and colonipin. I'm terrified for no reason and that scares the hell out of me. I've missed a week of work because I can't even get out of bed. I've lost 7 lbs in 5 days because I can't eat. I can only sleep when I take something. I'm constantly praying for this pain to go away. I know that I have to be patient but I need to live my life. There's only so much QVC and HSN I can take before I go completely crazy. I'm starting law school in three weeks and just changed all of my classes to online because I'm afraid of having a panic attack the day I start classes. I'm already nervous about orientation 8/13. It's sad, but I think what I'm looking forward to the most is getting good health insurance 8/1. I'm also moving into my own place at the end of July which is causing a bit of anxiety but it's close to my parents' (and Elwood) so that makes me feel a lot better. Plus, it's only a block away from my therapist so that gives me extra peace of mind.
So that's my giant run-on-paragraph update. I'm going to try to get out and go to the grocery store. Wish me luck!
Showing posts with label panic attacks. Show all posts
Showing posts with label panic attacks. Show all posts
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Friday, April 23, 2010
The third time was definitely not the charm
This morning, I had an emergency session with my therapist before my meeting with the HR director of the new company. After a horrible evening -- But wonderful advice from my mom and friend, I wasn't in the mood to share more feelings. I was mentally drained and exhausted. Xanax makes me groggy and lethargic the next day and I took quite a bit yesterday.
Anyhoo, I made it to therapy and had a good session. I had moments of feeling like I could make the one minute drive to go sign the paperwork at the new job then moments of paralyzing fear. It was agonizing, but I decided to go with my gut and call the HR director when I left therapy to tell her that I would like to wait for a full-time position. I also told her that I had a lot of accounting work to finish at my aunt and uncle's business so the timing wasn't quite right. While I still feel like I burned a bridge with them (which kills me), I feel like I kept the door open -- If only just a crack.
As things typically go with me, I'm having second thoughts. I'm considering sending the HR director an email telling her I re-thought things over and would like to give it a try -- Maybe part-time. And since the position is temporary, it isn't such a huge commitment. But I know that once I do that, there's REALLY no turning back. My mom has even offered to drive me there (and be super late to work) which I think is the sweetest thing.
Before I send out any more emails, I'm going to eat something and sleep. My icky cold took my appetite away for a few days and now I'm ready to eat and take a nap. I'm going to write the email and save it as a draft. Until then, I need to do a lot of soul searching, eating, and sleeping.
Until next time,
PG
Anyhoo, I made it to therapy and had a good session. I had moments of feeling like I could make the one minute drive to go sign the paperwork at the new job then moments of paralyzing fear. It was agonizing, but I decided to go with my gut and call the HR director when I left therapy to tell her that I would like to wait for a full-time position. I also told her that I had a lot of accounting work to finish at my aunt and uncle's business so the timing wasn't quite right. While I still feel like I burned a bridge with them (which kills me), I feel like I kept the door open -- If only just a crack.
As things typically go with me, I'm having second thoughts. I'm considering sending the HR director an email telling her I re-thought things over and would like to give it a try -- Maybe part-time. And since the position is temporary, it isn't such a huge commitment. But I know that once I do that, there's REALLY no turning back. My mom has even offered to drive me there (and be super late to work) which I think is the sweetest thing.
Before I send out any more emails, I'm going to eat something and sleep. My icky cold took my appetite away for a few days and now I'm ready to eat and take a nap. I'm going to write the email and save it as a draft. Until then, I need to do a lot of soul searching, eating, and sleeping.
Until next time,
PG
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Panic attack
As I type, I am in the middle of a panic attack. The Xanax is doing all it can but I still can't stop the panic. I'm over thinking everything and can't stop my mind and heart from racing.
The trigger? The job offer. To start Monday. As in 4 days from now. It's starting as a temporary position until they get client approval but this still doesn't help my mental state. I have to go in tomorrow morning to fill out paperwork and this is leaving me light-headed with panic. Twice I have gotten this far and twice I have let the fear take over. My spiritual healer is doing long-distance healing until I get in to see her on Sunday. I also have a call in to my regular therapist to try to get in to see her. I know that I need to break this pattern but I feel totally helpless, scared, and overwhelmed. I love my support system but I feel like no one fully understands.
The trigger? The job offer. To start Monday. As in 4 days from now. It's starting as a temporary position until they get client approval but this still doesn't help my mental state. I have to go in tomorrow morning to fill out paperwork and this is leaving me light-headed with panic. Twice I have gotten this far and twice I have let the fear take over. My spiritual healer is doing long-distance healing until I get in to see her on Sunday. I also have a call in to my regular therapist to try to get in to see her. I know that I need to break this pattern but I feel totally helpless, scared, and overwhelmed. I love my support system but I feel like no one fully understands.
Thursday, April 8, 2010
let go.
So it's been a while since I last posted. Too much to type about now so I'll just share my late night wall art:
Sunday, March 7, 2010
Reiki and Jin Shin Jytsu
On Saturday, I visited my friend's neighbor, a specialist in what can best be described as the healing arts. When I started this mission to defeat my anxiety and panic disorder, I vowed to try anything and everything so I figured a little spiritual healing couldn't hurt.
I arrived at 11am Saturday morning not sure what to expect. She introduced me to her dogs and had me lay down on a massage table. She turned on some new age "breeze and birds chirping" music and checked my pulses. My body was asking for jin shin jytsu, a form of acupressure, so she went to work. For about an hour and a half, she worked on two pressure points at a time. I became increasingly relaxed and the butterflies in my stomach finally settled after about 15 minutes.
When I was done, I felt relaxed but I think that may have just been a placebo effect. I didn't feel as invigorated as I did with acupuncture but I was definitely more relaxed. Overall, I'm not sure I want to go back -- My feet told her I should go back to her five times. At $60 per session, I'm not sure I can swing it financially. Plus, I'm not sure if I really believe in it. She's an incredibly nice person and she really needs the money, but I would much rather have a massage or more acupuncture.
Overall, my weekend of Eastern medicine was pretty cool. I'll see where the week takes me anxiety-wise and maybe I'll send the spiritual healer an email to book another session.
Such a boring post! Night!
Panic Girl
I arrived at 11am Saturday morning not sure what to expect. She introduced me to her dogs and had me lay down on a massage table. She turned on some new age "breeze and birds chirping" music and checked my pulses. My body was asking for jin shin jytsu, a form of acupressure, so she went to work. For about an hour and a half, she worked on two pressure points at a time. I became increasingly relaxed and the butterflies in my stomach finally settled after about 15 minutes.
When I was done, I felt relaxed but I think that may have just been a placebo effect. I didn't feel as invigorated as I did with acupuncture but I was definitely more relaxed. Overall, I'm not sure I want to go back -- My feet told her I should go back to her five times. At $60 per session, I'm not sure I can swing it financially. Plus, I'm not sure if I really believe in it. She's an incredibly nice person and she really needs the money, but I would much rather have a massage or more acupuncture.
Overall, my weekend of Eastern medicine was pretty cool. I'll see where the week takes me anxiety-wise and maybe I'll send the spiritual healer an email to book another session.
Such a boring post! Night!
Panic Girl
Friday, March 5, 2010
Acupuncture - My saving grace?
Today I had my first acupuncture treatment. I have been talking about getting it for years (starting with migraines, now for anxiety). I was late because the office was about 45 minutes south of where I live. I, of course, gave myself 30 to get there. I hate being late but lately I can't seem to get out of bed without hitting the snooze for an hour and a half -- no joke.
When I got there, I had to spill my guts to another stranger -- But a stranger I knew I could trust. I gave her the basics: What my anxiety feels like, what triggers it, what I've done to combat it, etc. Then she went to work with the teeny needles. I was already feeling nervous about the potential job offer so being left in a room face down for an hour alone wasn't sitting well with me. Surprisingly, the needles didn't bother me in the slightest.
Towards the end of the treatment, I was actually listening to the subtle nuances in the new-age music and drifting off into a daze. When the acupuncturist came in to remove my needles, I felt refreshed but still hesitant. I knew I shouldn't expect all of my problems to be taken away by two dozen needles. By the time I got to my car, I felt like I was floating. It may have just been the hour of relaxation but I actually felt calm. By the time I got to my "office," I reflected on what I felt like. I felt as though I was buzzing. Like I had this subtle energy running through my body. It may have all been a placebo effect but I felt wonderful regardless.
As for the job, no news yet. Which may be bad news. They're looking to hire ASAP. But who knows with this economy (btw -- I think the phrase "THIS ECONOMY" should be banned. So from here on out, no more "THIS ECONOMY.")
And I'm trying spiritual healing tomorrow. It's with my friend's neighbor. Raised Catholic, my parents were wary when I first told them. But when I assured them this isn't religious, it's not a cult, and no one will own my soul, they warmed up to the idea.
Time for bed! Still sleepy from all the extra Xanax this week. Ompf.
xoxo,
Panic Girl
When I got there, I had to spill my guts to another stranger -- But a stranger I knew I could trust. I gave her the basics: What my anxiety feels like, what triggers it, what I've done to combat it, etc. Then she went to work with the teeny needles. I was already feeling nervous about the potential job offer so being left in a room face down for an hour alone wasn't sitting well with me. Surprisingly, the needles didn't bother me in the slightest.
Towards the end of the treatment, I was actually listening to the subtle nuances in the new-age music and drifting off into a daze. When the acupuncturist came in to remove my needles, I felt refreshed but still hesitant. I knew I shouldn't expect all of my problems to be taken away by two dozen needles. By the time I got to my car, I felt like I was floating. It may have just been the hour of relaxation but I actually felt calm. By the time I got to my "office," I reflected on what I felt like. I felt as though I was buzzing. Like I had this subtle energy running through my body. It may have all been a placebo effect but I felt wonderful regardless.
As for the job, no news yet. Which may be bad news. They're looking to hire ASAP. But who knows with this economy (btw -- I think the phrase "THIS ECONOMY" should be banned. So from here on out, no more "THIS ECONOMY.")
And I'm trying spiritual healing tomorrow. It's with my friend's neighbor. Raised Catholic, my parents were wary when I first told them. But when I assured them this isn't religious, it's not a cult, and no one will own my soul, they warmed up to the idea.
Time for bed! Still sleepy from all the extra Xanax this week. Ompf.
xoxo,
Panic Girl
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Blogging Day 2
I had a second interview today with an amazing AMAZING local ad agency. It's the kind of agency I would die to work for but just the thought of them calling me to make me an offer is giving me horrible anxiety. I mean, I don't even know if they want to hire me and I'm freaking out. How insane is that?!?! My therapist put it best when she told me that I think catastrophically. I'm "what if-ing" myself to death.
On top of the job hunt (which wasn't/isn't much of a hunt because of the anxiety), I just applied to 12 (yes, 12) law schools. Only two of which I would consider attending because of the proximity to my comfort zone. I have a feeling that I'll get this job then be forced to choose between law school and the job. This makes me more anxious but I know in my heart that going back to school would be far more beneficial. My student loans would go into deferment and I would be able to land a higher paying job after graduation -- Plus the economy would (hopefully) improved by then.
Overall, I guess I'm scared of the unknown. I'm scared of starting a new job (something that NEVER bothered me in the slightest) and I'm scared to get my acceptance/rejection letters from law schools. But what scares me the most is that I'll never get my anxiety issued behind me. It's a chemical imbalance that can temporarily be fixed with medication but most likely, I'm stuck with it for life. I know that it could always be worse but for me, this is hell. I am in my own mental hell.
However, in my efforts to throw everything against the wall and hope that something sticks, I'm starting acupuncture tomorrow. I'm so beyond excited to try it. After that, I hope to start some spiritual healing but I need to research some people first. I refuse to give up on this! I applied to schools in Southern California and New York and hopefully some day soon, I can say that I'm a student living in Manhattan/San Diego/Los Angeles!
Sweet Xanax dreams,
Panic Girl
On top of the job hunt (which wasn't/isn't much of a hunt because of the anxiety), I just applied to 12 (yes, 12) law schools. Only two of which I would consider attending because of the proximity to my comfort zone. I have a feeling that I'll get this job then be forced to choose between law school and the job. This makes me more anxious but I know in my heart that going back to school would be far more beneficial. My student loans would go into deferment and I would be able to land a higher paying job after graduation -- Plus the economy would (hopefully) improved by then.
Overall, I guess I'm scared of the unknown. I'm scared of starting a new job (something that NEVER bothered me in the slightest) and I'm scared to get my acceptance/rejection letters from law schools. But what scares me the most is that I'll never get my anxiety issued behind me. It's a chemical imbalance that can temporarily be fixed with medication but most likely, I'm stuck with it for life. I know that it could always be worse but for me, this is hell. I am in my own mental hell.
However, in my efforts to throw everything against the wall and hope that something sticks, I'm starting acupuncture tomorrow. I'm so beyond excited to try it. After that, I hope to start some spiritual healing but I need to research some people first. I refuse to give up on this! I applied to schools in Southern California and New York and hopefully some day soon, I can say that I'm a student living in Manhattan/San Diego/Los Angeles!
Sweet Xanax dreams,
Panic Girl
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
My selfish little piece of the Internet
I'm writing this tonight riddled with anxiety. I don't know where to start, so I'm just going to spill it all until the Xanax makes me fall asleep:
Long story short, I get panic attacks. I get panic attacks worrying that I'll have a panic attack. I've lost friends and jobs and now I fear that I'm losing my mind. My anxiety makes me physically ill. I can't control it.
Most days I feel like I'm medicated within an inch of my life. I want to stop taking the Paxil, Colonopin, and Xanax but I'm terrified of the consequences. I want to live my life again. I want to travel. I want to go to Europe and Asia like I did less than ten years ago. I can't even think about going to a friend's wedding less than a two hour drive away without evil bats swarming my stomach.
I was OK in college but a terrible breakup left me in the gutter emotionally and I haven't been able to get out since. I've been laid off from two jobs (one I loved the other I could have done without). Both lay offs left me with this intense fear of starting any job. Twice I've committed to jobs only to fake an illness at the last minute. Then I have to make the embarrassing phone call to the HR director saying that I can't take the job. I'm terrified that this is all a viscous cycle that will end with me living in my parents' basement forever.
I have dreams of grandeur but I'm terrified that those dreams will never be lived out. Law school, traveling, dating a handsome man, marrying and having kids, having the career of my dreams -- sports agent. I don't want to wake up one day and realize that I'm 50 and never did a single thing because of this anxiety. I've heard all of the cliches about life, love, etc. In fact, I've heard them so often, I resent them.
So there. That is my first virtual diary entry. It may not be coherent but I don't know if anyone will even read it. But if you are out there, comment. Let me know you've been where I've been.
Long story short, I get panic attacks. I get panic attacks worrying that I'll have a panic attack. I've lost friends and jobs and now I fear that I'm losing my mind. My anxiety makes me physically ill. I can't control it.
Most days I feel like I'm medicated within an inch of my life. I want to stop taking the Paxil, Colonopin, and Xanax but I'm terrified of the consequences. I want to live my life again. I want to travel. I want to go to Europe and Asia like I did less than ten years ago. I can't even think about going to a friend's wedding less than a two hour drive away without evil bats swarming my stomach.
I was OK in college but a terrible breakup left me in the gutter emotionally and I haven't been able to get out since. I've been laid off from two jobs (one I loved the other I could have done without). Both lay offs left me with this intense fear of starting any job. Twice I've committed to jobs only to fake an illness at the last minute. Then I have to make the embarrassing phone call to the HR director saying that I can't take the job. I'm terrified that this is all a viscous cycle that will end with me living in my parents' basement forever.
I have dreams of grandeur but I'm terrified that those dreams will never be lived out. Law school, traveling, dating a handsome man, marrying and having kids, having the career of my dreams -- sports agent. I don't want to wake up one day and realize that I'm 50 and never did a single thing because of this anxiety. I've heard all of the cliches about life, love, etc. In fact, I've heard them so often, I resent them.
So there. That is my first virtual diary entry. It may not be coherent but I don't know if anyone will even read it. But if you are out there, comment. Let me know you've been where I've been.
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