Getting back into the working world

Two years ago, I met with the HR director of a local ad agency. I immediately fell in love with the offices, the people, the clients, and the dogs wandering around the offices. At the time, they didn't have any positions that fit my entry level (non) expertise.

Now that two years have passed, they have tentatively offered me a position pending client approval. I am ecstatic, elated, relieved, and, at the same time, terrified. Since August of last year, I bailed on two different jobs the day I was supposed to start. Fear paralyzed me. I couldn't even make it out of bed let alone into my car to the office. Granted, those two jobs weren't as ideal and as enticing as this one, but that fear is still there and is very real.

I'm trying my best to use self-talk, meditation, breathing exercises, and Xanax but I think I'll need more than that. If everything gets approved by the client, I plan on seeing my spiritual healer and acupuncturist the day or two before for some last minute "miracle work." It also helps me to know that my therapist is within walking distance and one of my closest friends has a store just a few blocks away.

I guess when all is said and done, I don't want to disappoint anyone. I know that my friends and family will love me no matter what I decide, but I can't help but feel like a failure every time I let the anxiety and its evil butterflies win.

That's all for now. Send positive thoughts my way!
Love Love!
Panic Girl

let go.

So it's been a while since I last posted. Too much to type about now so I'll just share my late night wall art:

My selfish little piece of the Internet

I'm writing this tonight riddled with anxiety. I don't know where to start, so I'm just going to spill it all until the Xanax makes me fall asleep:

Long story short, I get panic attacks. I get panic attacks worrying that I'll have a panic attack. I've lost friends and jobs and now I fear that I'm losing my mind. My anxiety makes me physically ill. I can't control it.

Most days I feel like I'm medicated within an inch of my life. I want to stop taking the Paxil, Colonopin, and Xanax but I'm terrified of the consequences. I want to live my life again. I want to travel. I want to go to Europe and Asia like I did less than ten years ago. I can't even think about going to a friend's wedding less than a two hour drive away without evil bats swarming my stomach.

I was OK in college but a terrible breakup left me in the gutter emotionally and I haven't been able to get out since. I've been laid off from two jobs (one I loved the other I could have done without). Both lay offs left me with this intense fear of starting any job. Twice I've committed to jobs only to fake an illness at the last minute. Then I have to make the embarrassing phone call to the HR director saying that I can't take the job. I'm terrified that this is all a viscous cycle that will end with me living in my parents' basement forever.

I have dreams of grandeur but I'm terrified that those dreams will never be lived out. Law school, traveling, dating a handsome man, marrying and having kids, having the career of my dreams -- sports agent. I don't want to wake up one day and realize that I'm 50 and never did a single thing because of this anxiety. I've heard all of the cliches about life, love, etc. In fact, I've heard them so often, I resent them.

So there. That is my first virtual diary entry. It may not be coherent but I don't know if anyone will even read it. But if you are out there, comment. Let me know you've been where I've been.