The third time was definitely not the charm

This morning, I had an emergency session with my therapist before my meeting with the HR director of the new company. After a horrible evening -- But wonderful advice from my mom and friend, I wasn't in the mood to share more feelings. I was mentally drained and exhausted. Xanax makes me groggy and lethargic the next day and I took quite a bit yesterday.

Anyhoo, I made it to therapy and had a good session. I had moments of feeling like I could make the one minute drive to go sign the paperwork at the new job then moments of paralyzing fear. It was agonizing, but I decided to go with my gut and call the HR director when I left therapy to tell her that I would like to wait for a full-time position. I also told her that I had a lot of accounting work to finish at my aunt and uncle's business so the timing wasn't quite right. While I still feel like I burned a bridge with them (which kills me), I feel like I kept the door open -- If only just a crack.

As things typically go with me, I'm having second thoughts. I'm considering sending the HR director an email telling her I re-thought things over and would like to give it a try -- Maybe part-time. And since the position is temporary, it isn't such a huge commitment. But I know that once I do that, there's REALLY no turning back. My mom has even offered to drive me there (and be super late to work) which I think is the sweetest thing.

Before I send out any more emails, I'm going to eat something and sleep. My icky cold took my appetite away for a few days and now I'm ready to eat and take a nap. I'm going to write the email and save it as a draft. Until then, I need to do a lot of soul searching, eating, and sleeping.

Until next time,
PG

Getting back into the working world

Two years ago, I met with the HR director of a local ad agency. I immediately fell in love with the offices, the people, the clients, and the dogs wandering around the offices. At the time, they didn't have any positions that fit my entry level (non) expertise.

Now that two years have passed, they have tentatively offered me a position pending client approval. I am ecstatic, elated, relieved, and, at the same time, terrified. Since August of last year, I bailed on two different jobs the day I was supposed to start. Fear paralyzed me. I couldn't even make it out of bed let alone into my car to the office. Granted, those two jobs weren't as ideal and as enticing as this one, but that fear is still there and is very real.

I'm trying my best to use self-talk, meditation, breathing exercises, and Xanax but I think I'll need more than that. If everything gets approved by the client, I plan on seeing my spiritual healer and acupuncturist the day or two before for some last minute "miracle work." It also helps me to know that my therapist is within walking distance and one of my closest friends has a store just a few blocks away.

I guess when all is said and done, I don't want to disappoint anyone. I know that my friends and family will love me no matter what I decide, but I can't help but feel like a failure every time I let the anxiety and its evil butterflies win.

That's all for now. Send positive thoughts my way!
Love Love!
Panic Girl

Friends come in all shapes, sizes, and species!

Sometimes, when my depression gets really bad, I forget about the depth and variety in my "friend family." These past few weeks, I haven't had much interaction with people outside of my family so dinner with my friend and her family tonight were just what the doctor ordered. Dinner tonight helped me realize that my friends aren't just twentysomethings from college. They're my pets, my sisters, and even my friend's parents. They've been there for me after layoffs, losses, and countless silly, happy times. They understand my "craziness" mostly because they've raised three kids. In the past three years, they've become second parents to me. Don't get me wrong -- I adore my parents and can't go more than two hours without speaking to one or both of them. But for some reason, it's been really great having another family to hang out with. Maybe because it makes me feel normal -- Like no family has it all and that no one ever has it all together. Or maybe it's because they're the exact opposite of my family. Either way, I love that I have friends that I consider family and family that I consider friends.