As I type, I am in the middle of a panic attack. The Xanax is doing all it can but I still can't stop the panic. I'm over thinking everything and can't stop my mind and heart from racing.
The trigger? The job offer. To start Monday. As in 4 days from now. It's starting as a temporary position until they get client approval but this still doesn't help my mental state. I have to go in tomorrow morning to fill out paperwork and this is leaving me light-headed with panic. Twice I have gotten this far and twice I have let the fear take over. My spiritual healer is doing long-distance healing until I get in to see her on Sunday. I also have a call in to my regular therapist to try to get in to see her. I know that I need to break this pattern but I feel totally helpless, scared, and overwhelmed. I love my support system but I feel like no one fully understands.
Showing posts with label spiritual healing. Show all posts
Showing posts with label spiritual healing. Show all posts
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Getting back into the working world
Two years ago, I met with the HR director of a local ad agency. I immediately fell in love with the offices, the people, the clients, and the dogs wandering around the offices. At the time, they didn't have any positions that fit my entry level (non) expertise.
Now that two years have passed, they have tentatively offered me a position pending client approval. I am ecstatic, elated, relieved, and, at the same time, terrified. Since August of last year, I bailed on two different jobs the day I was supposed to start. Fear paralyzed me. I couldn't even make it out of bed let alone into my car to the office. Granted, those two jobs weren't as ideal and as enticing as this one, but that fear is still there and is very real.
I'm trying my best to use self-talk, meditation, breathing exercises, and Xanax but I think I'll need more than that. If everything gets approved by the client, I plan on seeing my spiritual healer and acupuncturist the day or two before for some last minute "miracle work." It also helps me to know that my therapist is within walking distance and one of my closest friends has a store just a few blocks away.
I guess when all is said and done, I don't want to disappoint anyone. I know that my friends and family will love me no matter what I decide, but I can't help but feel like a failure every time I let the anxiety and its evil butterflies win.
That's all for now. Send positive thoughts my way!
Love Love!
Panic Girl
Now that two years have passed, they have tentatively offered me a position pending client approval. I am ecstatic, elated, relieved, and, at the same time, terrified. Since August of last year, I bailed on two different jobs the day I was supposed to start. Fear paralyzed me. I couldn't even make it out of bed let alone into my car to the office. Granted, those two jobs weren't as ideal and as enticing as this one, but that fear is still there and is very real.
I'm trying my best to use self-talk, meditation, breathing exercises, and Xanax but I think I'll need more than that. If everything gets approved by the client, I plan on seeing my spiritual healer and acupuncturist the day or two before for some last minute "miracle work." It also helps me to know that my therapist is within walking distance and one of my closest friends has a store just a few blocks away.
I guess when all is said and done, I don't want to disappoint anyone. I know that my friends and family will love me no matter what I decide, but I can't help but feel like a failure every time I let the anxiety and its evil butterflies win.
That's all for now. Send positive thoughts my way!
Love Love!
Panic Girl
Sunday, March 7, 2010
Reiki and Jin Shin Jytsu
On Saturday, I visited my friend's neighbor, a specialist in what can best be described as the healing arts. When I started this mission to defeat my anxiety and panic disorder, I vowed to try anything and everything so I figured a little spiritual healing couldn't hurt.
I arrived at 11am Saturday morning not sure what to expect. She introduced me to her dogs and had me lay down on a massage table. She turned on some new age "breeze and birds chirping" music and checked my pulses. My body was asking for jin shin jytsu, a form of acupressure, so she went to work. For about an hour and a half, she worked on two pressure points at a time. I became increasingly relaxed and the butterflies in my stomach finally settled after about 15 minutes.
When I was done, I felt relaxed but I think that may have just been a placebo effect. I didn't feel as invigorated as I did with acupuncture but I was definitely more relaxed. Overall, I'm not sure I want to go back -- My feet told her I should go back to her five times. At $60 per session, I'm not sure I can swing it financially. Plus, I'm not sure if I really believe in it. She's an incredibly nice person and she really needs the money, but I would much rather have a massage or more acupuncture.
Overall, my weekend of Eastern medicine was pretty cool. I'll see where the week takes me anxiety-wise and maybe I'll send the spiritual healer an email to book another session.
Such a boring post! Night!
Panic Girl
I arrived at 11am Saturday morning not sure what to expect. She introduced me to her dogs and had me lay down on a massage table. She turned on some new age "breeze and birds chirping" music and checked my pulses. My body was asking for jin shin jytsu, a form of acupressure, so she went to work. For about an hour and a half, she worked on two pressure points at a time. I became increasingly relaxed and the butterflies in my stomach finally settled after about 15 minutes.
When I was done, I felt relaxed but I think that may have just been a placebo effect. I didn't feel as invigorated as I did with acupuncture but I was definitely more relaxed. Overall, I'm not sure I want to go back -- My feet told her I should go back to her five times. At $60 per session, I'm not sure I can swing it financially. Plus, I'm not sure if I really believe in it. She's an incredibly nice person and she really needs the money, but I would much rather have a massage or more acupuncture.
Overall, my weekend of Eastern medicine was pretty cool. I'll see where the week takes me anxiety-wise and maybe I'll send the spiritual healer an email to book another session.
Such a boring post! Night!
Panic Girl
Friday, March 5, 2010
Acupuncture - My saving grace?
Today I had my first acupuncture treatment. I have been talking about getting it for years (starting with migraines, now for anxiety). I was late because the office was about 45 minutes south of where I live. I, of course, gave myself 30 to get there. I hate being late but lately I can't seem to get out of bed without hitting the snooze for an hour and a half -- no joke.
When I got there, I had to spill my guts to another stranger -- But a stranger I knew I could trust. I gave her the basics: What my anxiety feels like, what triggers it, what I've done to combat it, etc. Then she went to work with the teeny needles. I was already feeling nervous about the potential job offer so being left in a room face down for an hour alone wasn't sitting well with me. Surprisingly, the needles didn't bother me in the slightest.
Towards the end of the treatment, I was actually listening to the subtle nuances in the new-age music and drifting off into a daze. When the acupuncturist came in to remove my needles, I felt refreshed but still hesitant. I knew I shouldn't expect all of my problems to be taken away by two dozen needles. By the time I got to my car, I felt like I was floating. It may have just been the hour of relaxation but I actually felt calm. By the time I got to my "office," I reflected on what I felt like. I felt as though I was buzzing. Like I had this subtle energy running through my body. It may have all been a placebo effect but I felt wonderful regardless.
As for the job, no news yet. Which may be bad news. They're looking to hire ASAP. But who knows with this economy (btw -- I think the phrase "THIS ECONOMY" should be banned. So from here on out, no more "THIS ECONOMY.")
And I'm trying spiritual healing tomorrow. It's with my friend's neighbor. Raised Catholic, my parents were wary when I first told them. But when I assured them this isn't religious, it's not a cult, and no one will own my soul, they warmed up to the idea.
Time for bed! Still sleepy from all the extra Xanax this week. Ompf.
xoxo,
Panic Girl
When I got there, I had to spill my guts to another stranger -- But a stranger I knew I could trust. I gave her the basics: What my anxiety feels like, what triggers it, what I've done to combat it, etc. Then she went to work with the teeny needles. I was already feeling nervous about the potential job offer so being left in a room face down for an hour alone wasn't sitting well with me. Surprisingly, the needles didn't bother me in the slightest.
Towards the end of the treatment, I was actually listening to the subtle nuances in the new-age music and drifting off into a daze. When the acupuncturist came in to remove my needles, I felt refreshed but still hesitant. I knew I shouldn't expect all of my problems to be taken away by two dozen needles. By the time I got to my car, I felt like I was floating. It may have just been the hour of relaxation but I actually felt calm. By the time I got to my "office," I reflected on what I felt like. I felt as though I was buzzing. Like I had this subtle energy running through my body. It may have all been a placebo effect but I felt wonderful regardless.
As for the job, no news yet. Which may be bad news. They're looking to hire ASAP. But who knows with this economy (btw -- I think the phrase "THIS ECONOMY" should be banned. So from here on out, no more "THIS ECONOMY.")
And I'm trying spiritual healing tomorrow. It's with my friend's neighbor. Raised Catholic, my parents were wary when I first told them. But when I assured them this isn't religious, it's not a cult, and no one will own my soul, they warmed up to the idea.
Time for bed! Still sleepy from all the extra Xanax this week. Ompf.
xoxo,
Panic Girl
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