The third time was definitely not the charm

This morning, I had an emergency session with my therapist before my meeting with the HR director of the new company. After a horrible evening -- But wonderful advice from my mom and friend, I wasn't in the mood to share more feelings. I was mentally drained and exhausted. Xanax makes me groggy and lethargic the next day and I took quite a bit yesterday.

Anyhoo, I made it to therapy and had a good session. I had moments of feeling like I could make the one minute drive to go sign the paperwork at the new job then moments of paralyzing fear. It was agonizing, but I decided to go with my gut and call the HR director when I left therapy to tell her that I would like to wait for a full-time position. I also told her that I had a lot of accounting work to finish at my aunt and uncle's business so the timing wasn't quite right. While I still feel like I burned a bridge with them (which kills me), I feel like I kept the door open -- If only just a crack.

As things typically go with me, I'm having second thoughts. I'm considering sending the HR director an email telling her I re-thought things over and would like to give it a try -- Maybe part-time. And since the position is temporary, it isn't such a huge commitment. But I know that once I do that, there's REALLY no turning back. My mom has even offered to drive me there (and be super late to work) which I think is the sweetest thing.

Before I send out any more emails, I'm going to eat something and sleep. My icky cold took my appetite away for a few days and now I'm ready to eat and take a nap. I'm going to write the email and save it as a draft. Until then, I need to do a lot of soul searching, eating, and sleeping.

Until next time,
PG

Blogging Day 2

I had a second interview today with an amazing AMAZING local ad agency. It's the kind of agency I would die to work for but just the thought of them calling me to make me an offer is giving me horrible anxiety. I mean, I don't even know if they want to hire me and I'm freaking out. How insane is that?!?! My therapist put it best when she told me that I think catastrophically. I'm "what if-ing" myself to death.

On top of the job hunt (which wasn't/isn't much of a hunt because of the anxiety), I just applied to 12 (yes, 12) law schools. Only two of which I would consider attending because of the proximity to my comfort zone. I have a feeling that I'll get this job then be forced to choose between law school and the job. This makes me more anxious but I know in my heart that going back to school would be far more beneficial. My student loans would go into deferment and I would be able to land a higher paying job after graduation -- Plus the economy would (hopefully) improved by then.

Overall, I guess I'm scared of the unknown. I'm scared of starting a new job (something that NEVER bothered me in the slightest) and I'm scared to get my acceptance/rejection letters from law schools. But what scares me the most is that I'll never get my anxiety issued behind me. It's a chemical imbalance that can temporarily be fixed with medication but most likely, I'm stuck with it for life. I know that it could always be worse but for me, this is hell. I am in my own mental hell.

However, in my efforts to throw everything against the wall and hope that something sticks, I'm starting acupuncture tomorrow. I'm so beyond excited to try it. After that, I hope to start some spiritual healing but I need to research some people first. I refuse to give up on this! I applied to schools in Southern California and New York and hopefully some day soon, I can say that I'm a student living in Manhattan/San Diego/Los Angeles!

Sweet Xanax dreams,
Panic Girl

My selfish little piece of the Internet

I'm writing this tonight riddled with anxiety. I don't know where to start, so I'm just going to spill it all until the Xanax makes me fall asleep:

Long story short, I get panic attacks. I get panic attacks worrying that I'll have a panic attack. I've lost friends and jobs and now I fear that I'm losing my mind. My anxiety makes me physically ill. I can't control it.

Most days I feel like I'm medicated within an inch of my life. I want to stop taking the Paxil, Colonopin, and Xanax but I'm terrified of the consequences. I want to live my life again. I want to travel. I want to go to Europe and Asia like I did less than ten years ago. I can't even think about going to a friend's wedding less than a two hour drive away without evil bats swarming my stomach.

I was OK in college but a terrible breakup left me in the gutter emotionally and I haven't been able to get out since. I've been laid off from two jobs (one I loved the other I could have done without). Both lay offs left me with this intense fear of starting any job. Twice I've committed to jobs only to fake an illness at the last minute. Then I have to make the embarrassing phone call to the HR director saying that I can't take the job. I'm terrified that this is all a viscous cycle that will end with me living in my parents' basement forever.

I have dreams of grandeur but I'm terrified that those dreams will never be lived out. Law school, traveling, dating a handsome man, marrying and having kids, having the career of my dreams -- sports agent. I don't want to wake up one day and realize that I'm 50 and never did a single thing because of this anxiety. I've heard all of the cliches about life, love, etc. In fact, I've heard them so often, I resent them.

So there. That is my first virtual diary entry. It may not be coherent but I don't know if anyone will even read it. But if you are out there, comment. Let me know you've been where I've been.