I'm back!

Ok so at the suggestion of (new) Therapist #2 (Therapist #1 is still in the picture, but only once a month), I am back to the bloggosphere! In the past year, I feel like me entire life has changed, but there are so many things that remain the same. Heres a breakdown of the past year:

- Moved into a new apartment
- Started and finished grad school (top of the class. W00t!)
- Saw a psychologist a few times to work on my anxiety (I learned some new ways to "trick" my anxiety, but that was about it)
- Took the LSATs for a third time (Totally bombed them but with my issues, I feel like making it to the exam was half of the battle so it was a learning experience I guess)
- (Partially) expected rejection from every law school I applied to again
- My dad and sister moved out of state
- And the most significant event -- Losing my Granny.

My grandma dying was rather sudden. She was in pain and couldn't eat so after a week in the hospital, then hospice, she died. Although she was 89, she had only had one significant health issue her entire life. Everyone expected her to outlive everyone. Seeing her health decline over the past year was difficult, but I tried to deny it. Saying goodbye to her in the hospice center was the hardest thing I've ever done. All of this happened in April but I still can't really wrap my head around her not being here anymore.

On top of that, my anxiety has remained the same in most aspects. In other aspects, it seems to have escalated. Social situations, working, and appointments are some of my major triggers. I'm seeing Therapist #2 weekly and so far, I've had a lot of "AH-HA!" moments. I'm optimistic that I'll tackle the beast called anxiety VERY soon with the help of my incredible support staff.

Ok, that's all for now. Time to get on a regular sleep schedule!

Worst week ever.

Last week, my doctor changed my meds and for the past week, my life has been a living hell. Going off of colonipin and on to xanax controlled release sent me back to the world of constant panic and fear. After a trip to the ER on Monday, they switched me back to colonipin. I was expecting to feel better by today but it seems as though nothing good is happening. The second I wake up, panic sets in and doesn't stop even after taking regular xanax and colonipin. I'm terrified for no reason and that scares the hell out of me. I've missed a week of work because I can't even get out of bed. I've lost 7 lbs in 5 days because I can't eat. I can only sleep when I take something. I'm constantly praying for this pain to go away. I know that I have to be patient but I need to live my life. There's only so much QVC and HSN I can take before I go completely crazy. I'm starting law school in three weeks and just changed all of my classes to online because I'm afraid of having a panic attack the day I start classes. I'm already nervous about orientation 8/13. It's sad, but I think what I'm looking forward to the most is getting good health insurance 8/1. I'm also moving into my own place at the end of July which is causing a bit of anxiety but it's close to my parents' (and Elwood) so that makes me feel a lot better. Plus, it's only a block away from my therapist so that gives me extra peace of mind.

So that's my giant run-on-paragraph update. I'm going to try to get out and go to the grocery store. Wish me luck!

My poor neglected blog!

So I've neglected my teeney weenie corner of the interwebs for far too long. I'm going to try to post more since it's pretty therapeutic.

Here's a little slice of what went on these past two months:
12 law school rejections, a week or two of depression, another "runaway job offer" situation, acceptance to DU's masters in legal administration program, signing a lease and FINALLY moving, planning my sister's wedding, and starting Pure Barre classes.

My anxiety has still been a nuisance but I'm handling it. I can't help but wonder, though, if my anxiety hasn't been a huge issue because I haven't been challenged. I'll definitely be put to the test in the next month or so but the way I'm feeling right now, I say BRING THAT SHIT ON!

Oh, Therapy!

I've been going to the same wonderful therapist for over three years now and Wednesday was the first day she actually told me that I looked and seemed depressed. And honestly, I felt it. It was one of those days where I couldn't wake up and couldn't shake the funk I was in. A lot of it has to do with not liking my part-time job. It gives me no motivation to get to bed at a reasonable hour and out of bed before 9am. On top of that, I've had no appetite because of the depression.

I had a three-day weekend that started out terribly, too. I got my first law school rejection. It was from a school in Northern California that shall remain nameless. I was upset at first because it was a bit of a safety school. I didn't realize until later that it was in the top 40 and they may not have gotten my latest (and not so great but better!) LSAT score. Who knows! I slept in till almost 12:30 Saturday mostly because I didn't want to face the day. When I finally did, I went to the mall solo to get something sparkly to cheer myself up. Being unemployed sucks but when you're a bargain shopper like me, I make it work!

I did have a good weekend, though. Lots of sleeping, eating on Sunday (finally!), shopping Saturday (oops), and getting some creative juices flowing with crafts. Hopefully this week will bring better things (and big envelopes!).

Sweetest of dreams,
Melissa

Blah.

So I didn't get the job which leaves me second-guessing everything from my outfit choices to my writing samples. I did ask them to consider me for another open position but still no word.

Not getting the job sent me into a pretty major depression that lasted Thursday night through Saturday. I actually slept till 1pm Saturday. While I'm a self proclaimed "sleep monster," 1pm is WAY late for me. I felt like I had made so many preparations just in case I got the job -- The spiritual healer, acupuncture, etc. that I was finally ready to work again. But secretly, I think I was happy that I didn't get the job so I wouldn't have to put myself and others through another manic "I can't take this job" episode. And, oddly enough, that made me secretly happy. That makes very little sense, I know, but just pretend like you understand.

So that leaves me here. My new unemployment package kicks in next week (I hope) and I'm still waiting for law schools to let me know if I got in. These next few weeks will just involve a lot of sitting and waiting. Oh, and checking the mail box. I'm pretty sure they still send out big and little envelopes like they did back in '01-'02 for undergrad decisions.

Oh, and my friend and I decided to become responsible adults starting tomorrow. That pretty much only involves us getting out of bed by 8am but it's a step! And we're on a mission to only spend money necessary items -- Even if that means saying "no" to cute shoes in order to afford new bath towels. Being an adult sucks sometimes.

Over and out!
Panic Girl

The Rum Diary

Still no word on the job -- Which makes me nervous because they said they needed someone to start ASAP. I even added the company's phone number to my contacts and gave it its own ringtone so I would know when they were calling. I know it takes a while to call references, interview all candidates, and discuss with the team who would be the best choice, but I can't help but think that they offered someone the job and are just too busy to send me a "We're sorry, but..." email.

Part of me can't wait to start working in a real office again -- Cute outfits, shoes, new work friends, a set schedule. But another part of me is terrified. What if I decide the morning of my first day that I can't do it? What if I get sick in the bathroom before I even sit down with HR (again)?

Wow. Subconsciously, I just started my "what if"/catastrophic thinking again. This is what I promised myself I would say each time I let the "what ifs" take over: "What if I could make no mistakes? What if everything turns out ok?" I just had an epiphany of sorts while blogging. A definite first for me.

Back to the matter at hand -- Basically, I can't decide if I really want the job. I know that I need it -- Especially with my despicable LSAT score and no other ad agencies in the metro area are hiring. But having said that, I guess I'm afraid of failure, another layoff, and another unemployment filing.

This all leads me to my favorite quote. If it weren't so long and I weren't so terrified of commitment, I would tattoo it somewhere:

Like most of the others I was a seeker, a mover, a malcontent, and at times a stupid hell-raiser. I was never idle long enough to do much thinking, but I felt somehow that my instincts were right. I shared a vagrant optimism that some of us were making real progress, that we had taken an honest road, and that the best of us would inevitably make it over the top.

At the same time, I shared a dark suspicion that the life we were leading was a lost cause, that we were all actors, kidding ourselves along on a senseless odyssey. It was the tension between these two poles- a restless idealism on one hand and a sense of impending doom on the other- that kept me going.

-Hunter S. Thompson

Blogging Day 2

I had a second interview today with an amazing AMAZING local ad agency. It's the kind of agency I would die to work for but just the thought of them calling me to make me an offer is giving me horrible anxiety. I mean, I don't even know if they want to hire me and I'm freaking out. How insane is that?!?! My therapist put it best when she told me that I think catastrophically. I'm "what if-ing" myself to death.

On top of the job hunt (which wasn't/isn't much of a hunt because of the anxiety), I just applied to 12 (yes, 12) law schools. Only two of which I would consider attending because of the proximity to my comfort zone. I have a feeling that I'll get this job then be forced to choose between law school and the job. This makes me more anxious but I know in my heart that going back to school would be far more beneficial. My student loans would go into deferment and I would be able to land a higher paying job after graduation -- Plus the economy would (hopefully) improved by then.

Overall, I guess I'm scared of the unknown. I'm scared of starting a new job (something that NEVER bothered me in the slightest) and I'm scared to get my acceptance/rejection letters from law schools. But what scares me the most is that I'll never get my anxiety issued behind me. It's a chemical imbalance that can temporarily be fixed with medication but most likely, I'm stuck with it for life. I know that it could always be worse but for me, this is hell. I am in my own mental hell.

However, in my efforts to throw everything against the wall and hope that something sticks, I'm starting acupuncture tomorrow. I'm so beyond excited to try it. After that, I hope to start some spiritual healing but I need to research some people first. I refuse to give up on this! I applied to schools in Southern California and New York and hopefully some day soon, I can say that I'm a student living in Manhattan/San Diego/Los Angeles!

Sweet Xanax dreams,
Panic Girl