I'm back!

Ok so at the suggestion of (new) Therapist #2 (Therapist #1 is still in the picture, but only once a month), I am back to the bloggosphere! In the past year, I feel like me entire life has changed, but there are so many things that remain the same. Heres a breakdown of the past year:

- Moved into a new apartment
- Started and finished grad school (top of the class. W00t!)
- Saw a psychologist a few times to work on my anxiety (I learned some new ways to "trick" my anxiety, but that was about it)
- Took the LSATs for a third time (Totally bombed them but with my issues, I feel like making it to the exam was half of the battle so it was a learning experience I guess)
- (Partially) expected rejection from every law school I applied to again
- My dad and sister moved out of state
- And the most significant event -- Losing my Granny.

My grandma dying was rather sudden. She was in pain and couldn't eat so after a week in the hospital, then hospice, she died. Although she was 89, she had only had one significant health issue her entire life. Everyone expected her to outlive everyone. Seeing her health decline over the past year was difficult, but I tried to deny it. Saying goodbye to her in the hospice center was the hardest thing I've ever done. All of this happened in April but I still can't really wrap my head around her not being here anymore.

On top of that, my anxiety has remained the same in most aspects. In other aspects, it seems to have escalated. Social situations, working, and appointments are some of my major triggers. I'm seeing Therapist #2 weekly and so far, I've had a lot of "AH-HA!" moments. I'm optimistic that I'll tackle the beast called anxiety VERY soon with the help of my incredible support staff.

Ok, that's all for now. Time to get on a regular sleep schedule!

Did I make a terrible mistake?

So about an hour ago, I started second guessing my decision to turn down this job. I started writing an email to the HR director saying something along the lines of "I apologize for initially turning down the position [...] Would you consider hiring me on a part-time, temporary basis?"

But now just the thought of having a real job again brings anxiety. I'm so sick of thinking about this, talking about this, and living like this. I know that with time, I'll get better and when I'm better, I'll be able to get a good job. I just feel like a job offer with this company will never happen again. I desperately want to work for this company and I hope they know that and I hope that everything will fall into place when I'm ready to move forward.

Now that I'm just babbling, I think it's time to get some sleep. Last night was rough and today wasn't too easy either. So, I'm going to go to bed and be thankful that tomorrow is a new day. The ugliness of this past week has been washed away by the storm and hopefully flowers will start to bloom.