I'm back!

Ok so at the suggestion of (new) Therapist #2 (Therapist #1 is still in the picture, but only once a month), I am back to the bloggosphere! In the past year, I feel like me entire life has changed, but there are so many things that remain the same. Heres a breakdown of the past year:

- Moved into a new apartment
- Started and finished grad school (top of the class. W00t!)
- Saw a psychologist a few times to work on my anxiety (I learned some new ways to "trick" my anxiety, but that was about it)
- Took the LSATs for a third time (Totally bombed them but with my issues, I feel like making it to the exam was half of the battle so it was a learning experience I guess)
- (Partially) expected rejection from every law school I applied to again
- My dad and sister moved out of state
- And the most significant event -- Losing my Granny.

My grandma dying was rather sudden. She was in pain and couldn't eat so after a week in the hospital, then hospice, she died. Although she was 89, she had only had one significant health issue her entire life. Everyone expected her to outlive everyone. Seeing her health decline over the past year was difficult, but I tried to deny it. Saying goodbye to her in the hospice center was the hardest thing I've ever done. All of this happened in April but I still can't really wrap my head around her not being here anymore.

On top of that, my anxiety has remained the same in most aspects. In other aspects, it seems to have escalated. Social situations, working, and appointments are some of my major triggers. I'm seeing Therapist #2 weekly and so far, I've had a lot of "AH-HA!" moments. I'm optimistic that I'll tackle the beast called anxiety VERY soon with the help of my incredible support staff.

Ok, that's all for now. Time to get on a regular sleep schedule!

Worst week ever.

Last week, my doctor changed my meds and for the past week, my life has been a living hell. Going off of colonipin and on to xanax controlled release sent me back to the world of constant panic and fear. After a trip to the ER on Monday, they switched me back to colonipin. I was expecting to feel better by today but it seems as though nothing good is happening. The second I wake up, panic sets in and doesn't stop even after taking regular xanax and colonipin. I'm terrified for no reason and that scares the hell out of me. I've missed a week of work because I can't even get out of bed. I've lost 7 lbs in 5 days because I can't eat. I can only sleep when I take something. I'm constantly praying for this pain to go away. I know that I have to be patient but I need to live my life. There's only so much QVC and HSN I can take before I go completely crazy. I'm starting law school in three weeks and just changed all of my classes to online because I'm afraid of having a panic attack the day I start classes. I'm already nervous about orientation 8/13. It's sad, but I think what I'm looking forward to the most is getting good health insurance 8/1. I'm also moving into my own place at the end of July which is causing a bit of anxiety but it's close to my parents' (and Elwood) so that makes me feel a lot better. Plus, it's only a block away from my therapist so that gives me extra peace of mind.

So that's my giant run-on-paragraph update. I'm going to try to get out and go to the grocery store. Wish me luck!

My poor neglected blog!

So I've neglected my teeney weenie corner of the interwebs for far too long. I'm going to try to post more since it's pretty therapeutic.

Here's a little slice of what went on these past two months:
12 law school rejections, a week or two of depression, another "runaway job offer" situation, acceptance to DU's masters in legal administration program, signing a lease and FINALLY moving, planning my sister's wedding, and starting Pure Barre classes.

My anxiety has still been a nuisance but I'm handling it. I can't help but wonder, though, if my anxiety hasn't been a huge issue because I haven't been challenged. I'll definitely be put to the test in the next month or so but the way I'm feeling right now, I say BRING THAT SHIT ON!

And this is how I never want to feel again:

From Post Secret:

This is how I feel today:

Second - no, third - thoughts

Sooooooo I'm still second-guessing this job thing. And I keep thinking about what my therapist said about the only way to get over my fear is to face it head on. Here's a short email I drafted to the HR director. I'm still debating as to whether or not I'll send it because I know that once I do, I'll have to follow though or this bridge will permanently be burned. Any and all feedback (positive, negative, tough love) is welcome!
Love Love!
Melissa

"Krista,
Would it be possible to discuss part-time temporary work arrangement with Factory? I understand this is a lot to ask but I would still like to work for Factory while fulfilling my obligation to my family's business over the next month."

Did I make a terrible mistake?

So about an hour ago, I started second guessing my decision to turn down this job. I started writing an email to the HR director saying something along the lines of "I apologize for initially turning down the position [...] Would you consider hiring me on a part-time, temporary basis?"

But now just the thought of having a real job again brings anxiety. I'm so sick of thinking about this, talking about this, and living like this. I know that with time, I'll get better and when I'm better, I'll be able to get a good job. I just feel like a job offer with this company will never happen again. I desperately want to work for this company and I hope they know that and I hope that everything will fall into place when I'm ready to move forward.

Now that I'm just babbling, I think it's time to get some sleep. Last night was rough and today wasn't too easy either. So, I'm going to go to bed and be thankful that tomorrow is a new day. The ugliness of this past week has been washed away by the storm and hopefully flowers will start to bloom.